Even Heaven Demands Death

Why can’t I commit? Where does this struggle come from? I’ve got some things to work through, and I realized that after listening to a voice memo Matthew sent me earlier. When he said, "I need to work on myself," it hit me hard. Lately, I’ve been getting lost in the chaos, hoping to find the love of my life. But in what world would I even be ready to receive her?

I engage in unhealthy habits and questionable behaviors, all while convincing myself that I want to settle down and build a serious relationship. What a bold-faced lie. I get it. I shouldn’t talk to myself this way, but deep down, I know it’s true. If I keep doing the same things over and over again, at what point do I hold myself accountable? That’s the definition of “cheap grace,” and it’s wild how someone else was just talking about this exact thing.

It’s also interesting how I approached her with an air of arrogance, like, “Hey, that concept you talked about is called cheap grace.” Then, I disappeared, as I always do. Into the crowd, gone. Saying goodbye to no one. That’s something I struggle with—letting people in, giving a piece of myself.

I realized this through my dog. As I’m writing this, he’s laying next to me. My elbow’s on him, and yes, he stinks. But in a strange way, he’s the only one I truly bond with. I’ve gotten comfortable in this routine with him. I didn’t want to add anyone else to it. And the truth is, I’m scared. I don’t even know how I feel writing this. I just like being alone. I need to figure some things out inside me—where this emotional damage comes from, why I feel the way I do, and how I can move past it.

Earlier today, I jokingly said, “I hate this dog,” and then Amber chimed in, saying, “I’ll take him.” The emotional truth is that I hate learning things like this about myself. Being an adult is hard. You have to work all the time, but I’m trying to reframe it as a privilege. I’m working on being more positive. People often tell me I’m a downer. I tend to poke holes in ideas, to be critical. But at the same time, I encourage others to pursue their passions.

Just yesterday, I ran into someone at a sermon recap who I hadn’t seen in a while. He posts videos online, and I’ve always tried to inspire people to post their art. So, when he said he hadn’t been working on a video for the week, I told him, “Let me get your number. I’m going to text you and check in.” I explained why I want him to post, and he was surprised: “What? I never knew that about you. You never told me that.” I showed him that I’ve been posting this blog every Friday since last August. He’s a cool guy, and I really want to see him succeed. I hope his YouTube channel becomes what my blog is to me—a way to work on my craft. It’s like currency in intangible circles. It connects you with people who understand you, and it teaches you who’s truly on your side.

I may dress it up as a joke, but I think what everyone around me realizes is that I’m pushing them to do more. I always check in on people who are pursuing what they care about. I want them to do better. Sometimes people take it the wrong way. I’ve even been called “nosey” in front of others. But there’s a deeper story there—maybe I’ll share it another time.

Lately, I’ve also started taking studying for the Dynatrace Associate exam more seriously. I’ve taken it before and didn’t do well. It’s a tough test, and I work full-time, but I’m not making excuses. I’m putting it out there because it’s my fault. I know I need to carve out time in my schedule to focus on things that will propel my career forward. I’ve started making small steps, like throwing “Study for Dynatrace Associate Exam” on my to-do list. I’ve been checking off topics little by little, and I’ve adopted a new mindset: even studying for one minute is better than nothing. That mindset has helped me study longer, and I’m aiming to make it a regular part of my life—always learning, always growing. Without that, we fall behind.

This week’s blog post is about the fear of risk. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had moments where I’ve realized that I’m holding back. There are areas of my life—career, relationships, spirituality—where I’m not fully diving in. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough. I work all the time and write for this blog as a hobby. My mind is always going. I use these projects as a way to escape my own thoughts. Whatever happened to the “My Life as Documentation” project I said I was going to work on?

The truth is, I sometimes struggle to take risks—whether it's in my career, relationships, or personal growth. I feel like I’m slipping back into a rut, and I don’t know why. The thing is, you can’t gain anything in life without first losing something. Maybe that’s the lesson I need to learn.