A Shepherds Monologue

I have been trying to write this piece for a while. Not fully understanding what I want out of it. I think I finally figured it over the past couple days.

For as long as I can remember I was ostracized from the crowd. Sometimes I was doing it to myself, but I have always felt misunderstood. Still do to this day. It is something I struggle with, acceptance.

From the earliest moment I can remember. When I was the newbie at school in Shanghai. I never really had any friends, or more apt description is I never wanted any. I wanted to be this "lone wolf" archetype for the longest time. Thinking that would solve all my problems, I isolated myself. I still never let anyone in. Ironic.

I have spent a majority of my life trying to resist the wave of life. Fighting against it in every way possible. I still do in some regards. What I have found is that the more you fight it, bigger the blow. Let it be, fortune favors the brave.

That is the thing with it, lonely roads are the most rewarding. All you have is yourself. The thing I am stewarding while in Tamp is fighting for me. All the while collecting memories for the journey. I am not chasing physical goods, I am chasing lore. A big fear of mine is getting to the end of the road and regretting the things I did not do. Laying on my death bed wondering why I did not work hard, or talk to the pretty girl, or a whole host of things that are in my head.

A lot of the stuff that I write about is to inspire. Inspire people to realize it is ok not to have things figured it out. I do not, but I am trying. That is the pursuit of life. Getting after it every day, realizing that you can't win them all. As a friend brilliantly said, "Can't hit them all, just keep swinging". I am out here to swing. Swing for the fences of my dreams.

The dreams that only I can realize. I know it is hubris to think I can predict life. Just plain dumb. What if it turns better than I planned in my head? Work my ass off doing software development in the day, all the while trying to figure out to how to buy the laundromat in my local neighborhood at night. Hosting all sorts of fun events out of there, bringing together a community. Building a team.

Then in the back of the store creating this dream of a startup. The back office has enough space for two chairs and a whiteboard. We burn the midnight oil, tired as fuck. Still though, we get up an get after it everyday. Understanding we author our own story. It is blessing to wake up. It gives us the chances to mitigate the mistakes we made. While all of this is happening, still writing. Still processing the world around me. Still doing the thing that made my life exponentially better.

I dreaded English language arts back in Shanghai. It is laughable how it all comes together. I still remember sitting in Mr. Malones class getting scolded for having my head in the clouds. I vividly remember him saying "You are going to get in trouble for that one day". I can see it clearly, and damn was he right.

I still cannot get over the fact that the thing I hated doing. Is the same thing that breaks the shackles of my mind. I hated reading books. I legit used SparkNotes to create book reports. I think it is called plagiarism. I got good grades on those, but never felt fulfilled. That teacher saw more in me than I saw in myself. As I write this, I understand that. I am beyond grateful for that. Even with that, I still struggle with imposter syndrome. I often feel like a fraud, waiting for the next rug pull. Still working through that. I wonder if that will ever go away

I say all of this to let people know I am screw up, never traditionally good at anything. Yet, with a little bit of self belief and a lot of hard work. I see a diamond starting to form.

That is the whole point of this monologue. Diamonds are formed under pressure. Put yourself in situations that test your abilities. Do it your way. Those long roads are where you discover the glimmering gems. I have no idea what life has planned for me, but at least I am aiming at something. Here is to leading the sheep through treacherous terrain and coming out on the other side damaged, but alive.