Dialectal Variant

I am trying to work through an idea around coming out of your shell with people you normally never would. The best conversations often happen on the edge of uncertainty. A great metaphor for life.

The other night I went to get a few drinks with an unexpected friend. Someone that I have not hung out with before. So glad I did. It was a weekday and I have a weird rule about going out to drink. I broke it and it was well worth it.

I do not have a hard time getting along with people. Especially when I try to make new friends. I have always been gifted at that. Breaking into conversation about anything has always come naturally to me. For the longest I can remember, I have always found myself getting along with older people.

We decided to sit outside and talk. It worked out for the best because I brought my dog. I have a weird inclination with sitting outside in the heat. You start to sweat, it might rain and the bugs start to eat you alive. As I write this I am littered with mosquito bites.

A weird thing happened, I did not care. We sat there for a good two hours talking about perspective, the state of the world, aliens, and so much more. All seemingly unrelated topics, that all felt connected. Connected by the strings of the universe.

I do not even really remember how the conversation kicked off. A lot of the stuff we were talking about was more philosophically based. How often the best perspective comes from the most unwitting people. We tied it back to astronauts getting this zoomed out view. The cosmic perspective.

That cosmic perspective, shows you how small you are. There must be something about looking at the Earth and seeing nothing around it, that puts life into perspective. We tied this a lot back to ourselves. The dude I was hanging out with is a quite a bit older than me, so he just has years on me.

He noticed something about me, that I would imagine he has been through. That I often want to help people. Whether that being through giving game. Yet, in the process of giving people game. I almost have this animosity towards people who do not want to take it.

He gave me some valuable advice, noting that the act of telling them is more than enough. Forcing someone to drink the proverbial water is malicious. I am starting to understand that you have to leave it in peoples hands. It is not worth it. Leave it be.

Strung throughout the conversation was the central tenant of the pressure I put on myself. It makes me feel fraudulent. That feeling causes a rift between the person I am. The person I want to become just gets farther away.

It makes me question the way I treat myself. I set these unrealistic expectations for myself and then I do not hit those metrics. When I do not live up to the standard I set for myself, I devolve. Devolve into a flurry of hate.

The thing that is weighing on me the most though. Is after that amazing conversation, I ended it with a lie. A small little lie that hurt nothing by my internal integrity. No one would ever know what I said was a lie, but I just felt exposed.

I try to live up to this higher moral standing than everyone. I stand on a principle, which makes me stand on this perceived pedestal. I compare myself to the every day Joe. Saying "I am not like them", but the reality is that I am.

Maybe that is the essence of it, that the way I treat myself is different from the every day Joe. So I have to live up to that elevated self. That starts with having faith in my word and at the moment I do not. So I am pledging to myself to keep trying. Keep trying to live up to the person I know I can be.