No Obligation

FYI: Releasing the entries on Thursday going forward!

This “come as you are” thing is something I first heard on Instagram — in the context of spirituality. But I like it as a broader idea: one that applies to the pursuit of yourself.

I’m in such a rush to become the best version of me — so that I’ll be ready for a relationship — that I’ve been losing sight of the little things that actually matter. In a way, it’s similar to Schrödinger’s cat: the act of searching for someone is exactly when it never happens. Certainty kills the cat. Mystery is what keeps it alive.

I keep wanting to fix all the things inside me, thinking maybe then I will be ready for someone to come along. Something I am actively trying to fix about myself. I even say it out loud to the people I’ve dated — “come as you are.” But I usually mean it in a shallow way, like don’t dress up too much.

People are always trying to make themselves something more than they are. I do it too — I fluff up my job title or lead with my writing. But that phrase really applies to you as a person, not just your appearance.

A while back, I went on a first date. Met her at a dog park, and we hit it off right away. I asked for her number and, to my surprise, she gave it to me. A couple of days later, we went out for dinner. Risky move — what if we didn’t click? Then we’d be stuck.

But all was well. The conversation flowed, the banter was there. I teased her a little, sparked some friendly competition. By the end, I was already planning a second date — basketball. She seemed intrigued.

As we left the restaurant, I said, “I had a wonderful time. I’d love to see you again — maybe play some basketball.”

She smiled. “Me too. That sounds like a good idea.”

Thinking it went well, I went home with a big grin on my face. The next day, I woke up and decided to “play the game.” Waited a few hours before texting her. I said something like, “I had a great time and would love to play basketball as a second date.”

Still no response — to this day. Bamboozled.

I’m still trying to figure this out. If we put on a front and morph ourselves for the people we’re courting, that’s fake. I want someone to like me for me. I don’t want to change for someone — and I wouldn’t want them to change for me either. Ideally, we’d grow together.

But what the hell do I know? I’m just some single-ass person trying to give advice on what people want. Clearly, it doesn’t work — or maybe I’m just not ready.

It’s ironic, really. I can’t seem to find someone to share that with — or maybe someone I truly jive with. High expectations, I guess.

In a way, I’ve been trying to “exposure-therapy” my way into someone’s life. Which is shitty, you know? Like, why chase someone who doesn’t want me? That chase — that challenge — it’s tantalizing. But I don’t want my relationships to be challenging. I want them to be easy.

I know that’s naive — because nothing of value comes easily. Everything requires work.

I get that. I know real love takes effort to last. It’s all about longevity. Still, I want to be able to read someone with ease — to just know if they’re into me or upset. I’m decent at reading people. I was trained on that LLM — the Love Language Model.

I have to give myself some props once in a while — something I struggle with. I get a lot of compliments like, “You read me so well,” or “How do you always know when I’m upset?” I’ve heard that many times.

But here’s what I’m realizing: if your sole intention is to find something specific, you’ll come back empty-handed. I need to start living by that. Intentionality matters. I get caught up in the game of it all — and I’ve been putting that on the back burner, just like the shawarma chicken thighs I’m cooking. They smell great, by the way.

The chase is gripping. It pulls you in.

Focusing on what I can control is the first step. Letting go is the second. It is what it is.

Sometimes things can’t be solved — and that’s okay.

Maybe that’s what “come as you are” really means — stop trying to solve yourself, and just live as the equation.