If Only...

I think we all have those moments of wonder. Wonder what could’ve been if I said the right words, or if that person liked us back, or investing in a stock before it ripped. It probably falls under the FOMO umbrella.

That feeling of missing out. It is quite prevalent in the ones who have their heads in the clouds. I find myself replaying out old situations in my mind. Wondering how I could’ve done it better. Like if I drove the lane for a layup instead of settling for a mid range (even though the mid range is nasty...). Or what if I went up and talked to that girl that I found cute in Publix or the bar.

It is a natural human instinct. We all have it. The deeper question is what you do after the realization of these feelings? That understanding that moments are fleeting. Knowing every second that passes it is all on you. Even as I write this I cannot get that time back. You have to determine if the trade off is worth it to you.

If only I knew it was all going to work out...

If only all my worries would go away with the snap of a finger...

If only I did not let the past haunt my present...

Regretting if that time spent was worth it is what I hone in on. Trying to understand if that time I spent “Honing the craft” is worth it? The answer is I will never know. I can’t know right now, only in the future will that get revealed. The definition of life is learned by living it.

It does make me question whether I believe in fate or not. Fate is a boolean value. It is either true or false. You either believe your life is pre determined or you do not. On one hand I love to chalk things up to “universe” or something that is just out of my hands. I find myself doing that in times when I am anxious, but that just leads me to believe I am nervous in those situations because I have not experienced in them.

On the other hand, alchemy is real. This idea that we can change our reality based on sheer will. That is real. I have experienced it. When I started writing in 2023, not knowing what would come of it. Slowly over the years shifting my goals to bigger and bigger ones. Then accomplishing the goals I wrote down. Moving out, posting 52 weeks in a row, got a second job, to name a few. It gave me hustle. It put me in drive.

Then none of it would be worth it. Having all the answers. The fact that it is so worrisome makes it all worth it. Even now as I write this piece I was not having the greatest day. Those moments of bad make it all worth it, because if you can power through those. You can get through them all.

If you have all the good that came from alchemy. There is also bad. The times where I said the wrong words or spoke when I shouldn’t have. All of those mean things that said just to get a dig in. You have to accept all your past mistakes, they make you who you are. Just thinking about, I cringe. Knowing I said some shit I couldn’t take back. Maybe future me will be smarter, or maybe he doesn’t want to be.

If only I had the right words to say...

If only I understood how it would effect you downstream...

If only I kept my mouth shut...

If only…