Seeing Signs

Been in a bit of a mental rut the past couple days. I put myself there too. Ya know. I am actively accepting the things that I say “annoys me”. So I tolerate it, saying it is ok.

Even now as I sit awake late at night thinking about all things I can do. The creative juices are flowing. The idea I just had about the AI journal. Just to create something for me. It does seem like I come up with a lot of ideas and never act on them.

What is that about?

There seems to be something inside of me that can’t commit. Which is weird because I have committed to this writing. So clearly the work ethic is there. So what is it about? All those ideas that seem to slip through the crack?

The one I bought a heat sealer for, or the domain I bought and still paying Shopify for? It has to do with having “faith” in my own word. I tend to lie to myself. That is the worst person to lie to. It is ironic, because I try my absolute hardest to be honest. I lied a lot when I was a kid. Still do to this day. I am not proud of it.

This imposter syndrome sets in and then I just get really down on myself. It happens the most when I lie to myself. The are connected it seems... I see the irony. The solution? Stop doing that. Anyway.

I like to do the things I say. Recently, that has not been the case. Or maybe I am just too hard on myself. I need to go ghost. That was a bit corny, but it is true. I show my face too much. I like to talk about a lot of things, but fail to act on them. Or that is my perception of it.

Too many people know my schedule. I just waste a lot of time. When all that time and energy can go to my goals. It is tough finding that balance though, I tell myself I want all these things. However, even myself someone who says “I don’t have friends.” Still craves that connection. We are social animals. To my detriment I spend too much time alone.

Caring about the things I say I do not care about. Paying too much attention to other people. I need to stop avoiding myself. I need to listen to the things I say and I need to clean up my own messes. Nobody else is going to do it.

Not being present is a goal I am trying to work on. Or “M.I.A with MIA.” (a work in progress fiction piece). Work on solving the backlog of problems that I have. Some external, but a lot them are internal.

I am not going to fix internal problems with external validation. I need to look inward before I try and judge other people. I am just as broken as everyone else. We are all flawed.

I am using work and staying busy to run away from my problems. And that right there is the problem. I fail to give an inch, because I think they will take a mile. Most people don’t do that. And if they do, you will endure and prosper through it. This is not to say you should give away everything at the start. Be cautious. Feel it all out. You live and you will learn. The only way to experience life is to live it.

Which is why I need to go missing in action. I need to go missing in the doing. Act on the things I tell myself. Lying to myself only hurts me more. It is bad motivation. I have been running on it too long. It got me here, I need to swap. Searching for peace not pain.