Extreme Focus

This past week has been pretty tough. I am trying to understand my limits on what is in my control. The fact of the matter is that a hell of a lot is in my control. That is reality of it. All the things that I want out of life are on me.

There seems to be this wall that I keep running into. It is very cyclical. I want to get my life in order. Accomplishing the goals I set out to do, I make progress. Then I feel this shadow looming over my shoulder. Something inside of me saying “It is ok, just this one time”. Then we start rolling down the hill again.

Even now as I sit here writing this. I question. Do I have what it takes? The answer is yes, because I have been doing this consistently for 2 years. Sometimes my mind gets the best of me. It can be debilitating at times. Feeling like I am under attack.

Life has been blissful as of late. I find myself feeling more alive than ever. Being more creative, work ethic is juicing just like A Rod, and my exercise has been great. All of that has brought more inspiration into my life. I am able to find joy in the mundane.

There is something extra special about being tired just from a long day of work. I never truly understood why my parents came home after a long day and sat on the couch. I get it now. Life is just busy. Things come up and people move out. They move away, out of your life, and sometimes in your way. We all are dealing with something. I struggle with giving myself props, and having the grace to say it is ok.

I owe a lot to the moment I picked up the pen and starting writing. Honestly, I cannot recall what made me do it. That moment changed me. Now as I ponder it more. I realize that I have not been “writing” as much as I can. The thing that made my life better, has slowed a little bit. I could chalk that up to writers block, but even that would be a lie.

Last week when I posted that entry. I have not written a piece since then. Yes, I finished up the first draft of the audiobook and that is major progress. So, maybe I ought to give myself some grace there. However, I was blessed with this gift. This thing that reveals my rights, my wrongs, and everything in between.

I need to push myself to do more. More writing, more journaling, more storytelling. I want to hone the skill and not let it slip away. That is only done with practice. It has been the biggest source of relief for me. In 2023 writing a paragraph a day, not thinking much of it. Then by the end of that year longer entries that were pages. 2024 rolled around and I was writing an “article” a month. Pushing my self a little more than in 2023. Then August came to and I forced myself to post every Friday. I have been doing that for over a year. Oh how interesting it is to view the skill progression.

Now in between me posting every Friday, finding the time to tell a story. A story of redemption. There has been a lot of ups and downs this year. I am here to tell it all. Full transparency... I am working on an audiobook. The goal? To push myself to the limits. Without pushing them, you can never know where the edge is.