El lenguaje del amor propio

I have been really thinking about the way I behave around people I care about. This girl has me thinking about how I want to treated. I have been neglecting myself a lot and it is starting to catch up with me.

We all have demons and I am trying to outpace mine. I am starting to come to the conclusion that, it is not really possible. I have neglected my health for a little, been saying in my head just keep working. You can outwork it. What a lie that is. I am dire need to slow down, that is what I am trying to shepherd in my life.

There seems to be this constant work until exhaustion, take a couple days off. Then go back at it again. That is the formula for my life. Work + struggle = Burnout. Burnout + rest days = baseline. I am trying to speak a different language to myself. One that rejuvenates my soul, instead of tearing it down.

She has me thinking about my love languages. The things that make me flustered. I have been trying to figure out what mine are and why they are that way. I think the big one is words of affirmation.

I struggle a lot with self doubt and self hate. Those two are probably interconnected. They play off each other like pong. I am thinking back to the times where I felt understood, in my childhood and relations. I think the words of affirmation that I fail to give myself, I find soothing coming from others.

The small comments like "You're the best" or little "Thanks". It turns my insides to putty. It melts me a little bit. It just makes me feel appreciated. On some level, I probably need to appreciate myself more. The self love has been lacking. I am trying to prioritize me. A goal that has been on the back burner.

But honestly, I bet it would propel me to greater heights. I have been running on code that has a couple low priority bugs. Not needing immediate attention, but still effecting performance. I am at a point in my life where I should fix the issues from the past, so the code of my future can run at its peak.

It is never going to get easier, the more time I delay. The harder it is going to get. So the days and nights that I subside the pain, is only another day I waste my potential. That goes for my goals as well. I tell myself that I want to accomplish great things and then slack. The small slacking will eventually flatten me. Like the boulder chasing Indiana Jones after he stole the Golden Idol.

There is hope in that though, that everything rests on your shoulders. For sure it comes with immense pressure, but it is a privilege. To have the pressure. The question forms, can I handle it? The answer is yes, because you have handled it before. The days where you thought you wouldn't get out of bed, you did it. The days you struggle to find the tiny win, but maybe just getting to the gym and doing 30 mins was the win.

The tiny wins throughout the day are the things you have to track. Winning the day, turns into winning the week. All you need is a majority of those to win the year. I am not trying to preach, because I know I find it hard to locate those wins. I get caught up in these big goals I have. The ones so far out in the distance that I can only see them in my dreams. To that affect I have not been dreaming super well.

Even in the nightmares, the dreams live. They are buried by self doubt, the self hate, and so many more "bad" emotions. I forget to see that the real wins, was just writing. Or writing this rough draft on my "off day". Realistically there are no days off when pursuing your dreams. Obtaining something of value always comes with treachery.

However, it might be worth while once every now and again to stop and rest. To catch your breath and see just how far you have come. It is wise to be in peak condition when going after the treasure. Be hard on yourself, but remember you are human.