The Modern Jungle

The moment you think you are safe, that is when a panther comes out of the Everglades.

I am working through this idea of how we all live in a jungle, of some sorts. We are all fighting to survive. We all struggle with demons and things we do not like about ourselves. A lot of the things I hate about myself are revealed through the city.

I lived a lot of my life in the suburbs, it has always been calm and quiet. I never truly understood the fascination with the city until I lived in Shanghai. A complete 180. Like a light switch, it was night and day. I remember having these feelings of angst. So scared of what was going on, I was paralyzed.

I didn't want to do anything. I stayed in my room, waking up at early hours to to talk to my friends. We played video games together, anything for me to have that connection back. I was miserable and it rubbed off on my school. I was such a horrible student. I was lost. I was in a foreign land, didn't speak the language, didn't really know anyone. Sometimes I feel like that kid again. The kid who is lost, trying to find his way in the world.

Of course I had my family but I still felt isolated. I have always felt that way alone, even when I was surrounded by family. It hits different when you embark on a journey fully alone.

When I moved across the country, I never had this overwhelming feeling of angst like Shanghai. I actually was excited, because I experienced something like that. What I did not mention about moving out on my own was the incredible experiences I would collect. The stories are littered through my mind and that is what I try to do with my writing. Tell a story.

Even now in a new city, I still act the same as that kid. I am held up in my apartment working on side projects to escape feelings. To my own detriment sometimes. I find it hard to connect with people. I tend to question people a lot, and it often leads me into bad standing. People find me abrasive, or maybe that is how I view myself. A conversation with a friend on a parking garage enlightened me to that. A concrete conversation, one might say.

The things that are "fun" to other people, aren't to me. I often find myself being appalled by the choices other people make. I am trying to get better at keeping those comments to myself.

It is ok, to have those moments of wonder. I do not have to like what other people do. However I do I have to accept their worldview. Although that is not the way I want to live, it could still make those people happy. Who am I to "ruin" someone else's happiness? I have been faking mine.

I am starting to realize that it is sort of bad, I need to stop and enjoy the view once in a while. Without that I think you lose a lot of perspective. Those stories and photos are all well and good. The thing is if they are just stories by yourself and photos alone. How enjoyable is that? Not very.

The greatest lesson I learned while being overseas was discernment. Knowing the true from the fake. The good quality from the bad. Not just in physical goods, but in people. I admit that I get bested once in a while. I always thought people loved me for me. To some extent it is true. People often love what you can do for them, instead of who you are.

Each city I live in there seems to be this underlying "hustle" culture. With poison comes purpose. It drives me to find a balance. As of right now this shit is teetering.