Ok Monologue

I have been in a rough patch the past month and a half. Struggling to be proud of myself. Struggling to give myself the much needed nod of approval that I know I deserve. It has been a hell of a year and I am really proud of it so far. Granted we still have 3 months to go until 2026, but I am stopping to appreciate it for what it is.

I started the year off traveling. In January I went to Michigan for a couple weeks to visit my family. Then that same month flew out to Phoenix for a work trip. Met someone while I was out there. An unexpected swaure (i dont know how to spell it). It was nice, I thought it was just going to be the one little thing. Oh was I wrong.

In February, I was at the airport again. Back to the west again. I went a little farther than Phoenix. I was in Vegas for a work conference. It was such an amazing time. Seeing all the tech people party and let loose. It lifted me a little. It slowed this tyrant inside me a little bit. It showed me there can be a balance when it comes to pursuing your dreams.

The next 3 months I was heads down in work. I didn't go anywhere. Stayed in the city and worked. Worked my normal job, then on the weekends barbacked. Hustling for that extra cash. I got it, but at what cost? A lot of lost parties and human connection. I still am human and I feel apart of something. I am finding that stuff has to give. Not just the social life, but the health as well. I have been neglecting that for a while. It started to creep on me back then, I just never knew how to label it. More on that later.

June rolled around and I was on the road this time. I went back to see my parents in Michigan and this time I brought my dog. It was awesome, my dad and I had a road trip. I always love having those. As I get older the more I appreciate how my parents raised me. Stern but loving. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. They have taught me so much on what I want out of a family. The banter, the subtle ways to ask for things, and most of all the dependability.

I was missing family after I came back home in June, so it wasn't long inbetween me seeing them. I flew up to see them again in late July for 3 days. That was much needed because I was feeling the burnout. Left my problems at the gate. Or so I thought...

August was the most memorable. One week made the whole thing. That girl I met in January came to visit me. I had the best time. It was the first time in a while where I wasn't worrying about something. We had a week. Went out to eat, cooked dinner at home, went to the park, and even had a candle date. When I light it, it reminds me of her.

Now, as I write this while I am on another flight back home. I was in New York for the weekend visiting the family. Not for something great, but for a wake.

That is thing. The juxtaposition of it all. Yes, this year has been great. However, with all that good there is some bad that has been effecting me a lot. In January lost an uncle, those 3 months of me working hard I was subsiding my feelings with wine. Not dealing with those emotions healthily. I took those emotions out on people. That got me some hate on my blog. My grandma is losing her memory, and sleeping until later times. My dad had a health scare as well, and I worry about my brother. But yea i'm "OK".

Here is the thing though. I realize that life is just unrelenting. It keeps going whether you like it or not. The silver lining of it all though. You have to stack the wins. They add up big. Just like when I walked into the TV room when I was in New York. The Yankees were playing and Aaron Judge was up to bat. He has been in a slump recently. The count was full, I said "Maybe he will hit a home run". Guess what, they threw the ball low and away. He blasted that to center field. He proceeded to get another one the next inning and another one the next game.

I am trying best to string together all those good moments. Just like Judge, aiming for the center of my dreams.