Myth of Midas

I am working through this idea on the perceived things you turn to gold. I have this thing with social media. How everyone believes it is real. When in reality it is fools gold.

I think everyone is aware of the story of King Midas. How he was granted his wish of the golden touch. At first it was all well and good. Then it turned sour, he turned his own daughter to gold. I want to apply this concept to the world we live in now.

How on the outside we put on this front, but we all struggle inside. It has been a couple of rough weeks. Been going through some family stuff and work has been stressing me out. On the outside my life may be perceived as being great but I do not think you would want to trade for it. My mind is insufferable. I struggle to find joy. It is a bit deadly. I am self reflective and ambitious. In-between that is where my self hate grows.

My whole life I was always envious of people who had things that I wanted. Probably still am on some level. I see personality traits, relationships other people have and sometimes material things. I assumed my whole life that those people were whole inside. That nothing was weighing them down. Oh how much that was a lie.

Moving out on my own has show me the facade we all put up. How it is all fake. Everyone is talking shit about you behind your back and people are often hanging in a Den of Thieves. Maybe I just wish my life to be different. However, I have the ability to change my own reality. So I can only be mad at myself.

That self hate seems to be the curse of it all. That I am hyper critical of myself. It runs my mind and I struggle to find internal peace. I wake up ready to slay the day and by the end of it I am drained with myself. Which in a way is a blessing, I get to wake up everyday ready to attack the day. Even on those days that I do not want to. Still it eats at me some days.

Buried in that curse is this dream that I wanted. Even when I was back home in my parents basement. I had dreams of building my own life, going out on my own and slaying dragons. Now as I sit here in the city, accomplishing the things I thought I wanted. I still feel empty. So what is it? Is it the goal post that got moved? Or have the things I wanted for myself changed? Honestly, I do not know.

It is naive to think that I haven't changed, because I have. I have grown. So why do I still feel so annoyed? Questions I cannot really answer, or at least haven't given deeper thought. Me realizing that stuff is a step in the right direction though.

Maybe those small wins are what I have to find. That not everyday is going to be gold. There will be days that do not glimmer. Days like those are the ones when I need to fight harder. Fight for every step that I take.

I punish myself a lot I almost like I need to atone for some sort of sin that I feel like I have committed. I wonder where that comes from? I feel like I have to pay back this debt that I owe. It is buried deep inside me, that feeling like someone is right around the corner. Like they are going to snatch the stuff I built.

I ought to give myself grace and that is maybe the main reason why I am so hard on myself. I need to give myself sometime to recharge. I believe I am strong and I am stubborn. Yet, my stubbornness actually burns me out more.