Rosé Glasses

This chip that I seem to have on my shoulder that I have since birth is starting to come under scrutiny. The chip seems to get pushed to the middle, when I am questioned. Or when people think they know better.

They try to push something on me that they do not know anything about. Thinking they are smarter than me. I feel like I have lived my entire life assuming people were smarter than me.

I lived with it when I was a kid, everyone always correcting each other. The grammar police, or "actually". I find myself doing it and the things that I found annoying as a kid I know people find annoying in me. You can see it. The friends that I have get annoyed with me when I correct them.

I try to let things go and I succeed sometimes. However, the people that get to me the most are the ones that have known me for the longest. They think I am the old me. Which is ok, the underestimate me. I actually prefer that position. It just gives me a better chance to overtake you. That is my advantage.

That is a big thing I am trying to work on. Emotional control. The study about the kids and the marshmallows sticks with me. It is always in the back of my mind. The number one predictor of success in kids, is emotional control. There are so many things that I need to accomplish and I am young. All I have is my time. Everyday that passes and I do not accomplish the things I set out to do. Those are on me. Everything is on me.

That is a big problem with the people I meet, they like to absolve blame. People fail to take a look in the mirror. That shit reveals you. It shows you the dirtiness. You cannot hide from the demon that stares back at you.

I came up with something that I have been trying to put into a thread. Maybe I will release it, but here is the idea. My assumption is that the people who get into psychology or find it fascinating. Are using it to label the demon inside of themselves. I am fascinated by it.

There is something inside me that wants more. This insatiable beast that does not know when to stop. I get envious sometimes of the people that can reach the end of the day and turn off. They disconnect the wire in their head.

I then consider the flip side of it all. The things that got me to where I am today are precisely the things that I pride myself in. My work ethic, my ability to admit when I am wrong, and my wittiness. I surprise myself sometimes and those moments I see the most change.

I moved away partly of a vision that I see. Hidden in the haze, I saw a better life. Part of that too, was this idea of being the person my parents wanted me to be. I think if I stayed I would have been stuck. I had to move away to realize a dream. A leap of faith in a way.

That is what I try to do with this blog. Label the demon. It is sad really when you think about it. That I sometimes believe I am a demon. That is something I am trying to work on. I sometimes make decisions out of spite or this proverbial chip on my shoulder. It ends bad, I do not like when I make those decisions. I am working on it.

It is funny, I often see through the haze with wine. That is my current prescription. It greases the wheels and the things just flow. The barrier to talking to that demon is never easier. Maybe that is what my writing is, a window to my soul. The realest me that I can articulate. I parse things out, I am not being 100% transparent. Similar to Instagram, we are all putting up mirages. I just try to make my hologram as real as possible. Everyone lies, some of us just do it less than others.