The Next Page

Piece 1 - Opening Night

Life has a funny way of illuminating the path that you are on. I was always told I was lazy. Not trying because it never suited me. I tried when it mattered, but in subjects that I didn't care about. In school I always disliked reading and writing.

I still remember to this day lying on book reports, saying I read more pages than I did. There was a little bit of a compulsion in there. Interesting that now I do all that stuff for fun(not the lying, well).

I was always interested in technology.

Ever since I was young I liked to dissect the newest gadget. It was a joy.

I have vivid memories of my friends and I creating home movies. On a little Sony Bloggie. This camcorder that now would be seen as ancient. The photos came out at like 5 megapixels and the videos were 720p.

Maybe that is why I have chosen profession that I am in now. This idea of being on the frontier of innovation and creativity. Like when I was a kid playing with the camera. I didn't get into this profession the traditional way. I don't have a fancy 4 year degree. I applied to a company and they hired me. Out of sheer luck or maybe fate.

I am doing alright, but a bunch of my hustle comes from the fear of replaceability. That fear is always looming above my head. Wondering if tech is the right career for me? Wondering if I am going to be next on the layoff list?

The thing with technology is that you always have to be learning. New technology appears on the scene rapidly, there is never a dull moment.

That perpetual learning comes with constant change and betterment. It is a tough place to be in, because you can never slow down. I struggle with slowing down a lot. That feeling makes me assume someone is gaining an edge on me.

Thinking to myself "If I slow down "they" will catch me".

It is for sure one of the reasons why I work so hard.

Knowing at any moment someone might come take the things I built for myself.

There seems to be this self worth that is attached to the amount of stuff I get done. I seem to be only satisfied when I check off every item on my todo list. Even if those items might be irrelevant. There are days I don't give myself acknowledgment. That nod of a job well done.

Part of the problem is I get caught up in a cycle. I work until exhaustion, recharge, then run it back like Jahmyr Gibbs. I have been getting a little too comfortable. It is unsustainable, and I wonder if that fuel source will ever dry up?

Honestly, I do not want to dry up. My identity is attached to it.

That "rocket fuel" has blasted me to where I am today. This new found "height" that I have reached. It was always inside me, but moving out really accentuated it. It was either sink or swim.

I had a goal for myself last year about posting an "article" once a month. July rolled around and I found that I was not writing everyday. Something clicked inside me, it was all about volume. Give so much away for free that you are ubiquitous. The only way to do that is just do more. So I started posting every Friday(now Thursdays). Dropping something every week. I have been doing that since August of 2024. This isn't that, but a collection was born.

Realizing that I had the ability inside me the whole time. The only thing I needed was that push over the edge. A lot of good came from that moment. That moment rolled me down the hill.

That work ethic I have is a big sense of pride for me. "Pride is the Devil" famously said by a lot of people. However, I know it from J.Cole. There are moments I question if my pride is too great.

There is much more I want to accomplish. In my life for sure, but also throughout the year. I have more ideas in my head. Not just focused around this collection, but the broader idea of short stories. All it takes is the willingness to test your own bounds. That is when you crack the frame and break out...

Piece 2 - Chances with Wolves

Most of us wonder what life could be like if we just aim for the ideals that we have in our mind. Very few of us actually set out on the path towards achieving them. So what if you realized all your dreams? What if you attempted the great and impossible? What if you encountered wolves?

Everyday that passes that thought eats at me. Knowing that all the things I want in life are all on me. It is a risky spot to be in, because every choice you make is yours. The only person you can be mad at is yourself. For the longest time I lived putting my own transgressions on other people. I wasn't succeeding because of "them". What a sad life I was living. I realized one day (not really sure when. I just know I did), that we all have agency.

It drastically changes your reality.

I was living in my parents basement living a life that I was not all that proud of. Do not get me wrong, it was a safe life. Which by any standard would have been ok. It just wasn't what I wanted.

Back in 2023 I read this book called The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It is quite famous, it has sold over 150 million copies. One of only a few books that has done that. The language is easy to understand and the story is whimsical. You can feel yourself falling into the pages, wanting to be Santiago. Or at least I did.

I keep a few quotes from that book, but this one always encourages me:

I don't know if the timing lines up, but that year I started writing consistently. Not short stories or books, I just started to journal. I got this little black book from Muji (a brand I really love).

I started to write a paragraph everyday. Journal Entry Day 1, 2, 3, 4... you get the point. Wondering if I truly believe those things I wrote down. The good, the bad, and the ugly were staring right back at me. It is a mirror, it shows you a reflection of yourself. It keeps you honest. Maybe not in conversation, because we all lie. Parsing out some words so we do not hurt our friends feelings.

I have struggled with that for as long as I can remember. I lied a ton when I was a kid, just to test if I was smarter than people. I still lie to this day, but I am actively trying to excavate that fossil.

Writing has helped me take control of my life.

Actively attacking the goals that I write down. That is what happened all throughout 2023. With a month left in the year, unsure if I was going to accomplish moving out on my own. I booked a flight. I flew south like the birds do. To tour apartments so I could find out where I was going to live.

I took action.

I found the place I was going to stay, Tampa. I don't think this is going to be forever, but for now it is ok.

As I embarked on my journey, packing up a U-Haul with all the furniture I collected. The $300 couch I got from Gardner White, the $98 bed frame I got on Amazon, and all the trinkets I have collected from my travels. I was scared, going on my own meeting new people. Wondering if I would be accepted?

I have noticed that some people are afraid to be themselves. Everyone wants to fit in, I understand it fully. I was that way. Living that safe life. What I noticed is that people just want to be accepted. I see it in myself especially in moments where I wish I would've been invited out.

But then I realize the person you have to accept is yourself. You are the person you spend the most time with. You have to be ok with that person in the mirror. I like who I am.

The more people I meet the more I realize just how hard it is to break away from the mold. People are just scared to take that leap into the unknown. The secret is that nobody cares and if they do, they respect you for it. The passion that you put into your projects is bright, like the North Star.

The real ones know. The real ones see you grinding. The ideas that pop into your head at 3 am. The constant writing, journalling, working 2 jobs all the while posting a blog a week. Carving out time to create a collection of essays. The real ones get it. They see. Those are the people I am doing this for.

My dream? To inspire people to document the journey. Go after your dreams. I know y'all can. I have seen the raw materials. You have them. Alchemize your actions into silver and gold.

All of the greatness in life comes when you realize you author your own story.

So take the risk. Engage with wolves, they are only scary from a distance. When you get closer you realize they are just sheep.

Piece 3 - Ecdysis

When you move closer to the sheep, you have to traverse the tall grass. The weeds start to prick you. You get scrapes, and sometimes things stick to you. Hidden within the tall grass are critters, bugs, and snakes.

There are moments at which a snake knows when it is time to shed it's skin. They rub up against a rock, and its skin starts to fracture. Out of the shedding comes not something new, but a blend with the old. I have been thinking about this process and how it applies to ourselves.

While I was home I realized I took things for granted. My friends, family, and my routine. Outgrowing your past self seems painful in the moment. I am always going through this. When you shed that skin and see what you left behind you realize just how far you have come. Just in the year and half that I have been living on my own. I have grown new skin, skin I never thought I would need.

Those old habits that I thought were healthy in the moment. They are a sort of poison that is slowly killing me. It Is killing my drive, work ethic, and most importantly my mind. I say it was helping me with my emotions, it turned out to shackle me to my old self.

Almost this haze of blindness that confirms the narrative you want. I pick things in my life that only confirmed what I wanted. Never challenging the status quo. I have come to realize that we all do this. We pick and choose things that corroborate the "truths" in our lives.

The person who believes the earth is flat, or the earth is only 6000 years old. We all have fallacies we cling to.

I have been wrapped up in this fallacy a lot over the past months. The vilification of other people and my own emotions have been something that I have not been resolving. Only recently was I able to see the chips of my scales that were turning into lacerations. I was picking people in my life and just assuming that they were bad.

I am battling through this as we speak. Trying to find the balance of it all. I have put assessing risk at the top of my list.

Leaving the past in the past is the only way to aim for a brighter future.

A lot of things in my life changed for the better once I realized everything is in my control. They call it agency and funny enough I was talking to my manager about it. I am a lot like him, more than I thought

He is someone who wants to work. My guess he derives joy from accomplishing hard things. In a way I do the same. I think I torture myself a little bit with it.

It is sort of a paradox for me, the thing that I know hurts me also helps me process the world. It has taught me how to turn poison into tonic. I have in a way created something from nothing. Like the profession I have chosen. That manifestation was the reason I was drawn to technology. You have the ability to change your reality.

Just like a snake, somewhat.

Shedding the skin of your past is surely difficult, but not impossible.

The things that hurt us in the moment actually become the things that set us free from the shackles of our minds. I struggle a lot with the approval of others. Not all people, just some. It breeds this chip on my shoulder that shows itself in the darkest moments. They call it insecurity. I think it is deeper than that. Everyone has insecurity, and if you say you don't you are naive.

At the intersection of insecurity and resentment, there’s something darker. A feeling I haven’t fully named. Maybe it’s a sliver of hate, maybe it’s grief disguised. But I think that’s another layer of skin. The one that holds more stories I never questioned.

I struggle a lot with self doubt wondering if the things that I am doing are the right choices. If I have learned anything over the past month, it is that I am on the right path. If you are ostracized for something it means you are deviation of the norm. I want to go from "Zero to One".

I think a lot can be learned from the little things in life. You can always find a blend of analogy. Everything is connected. A lot of the software terms directly apply to my own life, and you know what else? So do animals. Snakes, they shed their skin to remove damaged parts of themselves. We are all snakes, but you have to watch out for vipers.

Piece 4 - The Lonely Mountain

The journey is where the real treasure resides. The question is always, what will you learn about yourself in that pursuit?

Seeing a vision through a haze is difficult. Knowing if you will ever reach the destination is impossible.

I am big into the hobbit series. Lord of the rings is one of my favorite franchises. Just this air of mysticism that they have brings me joy. I really love the underlying theme.

How you have a seemingly misfit group of people all battling for power. How the darkness is trying to rule the land. It is a great representation of the internal struggle we all face. How even on bright days there is darkness that rules inside of us. We are all trying to outpace the demons. Sometimes they catch us...

I have been really trying to apply the lessons of film and art to my life. Trying to dig for those metaphors that are shown on the big screen, because that is where I am trying to be. I think I was living a lie, saying that I never wanted fame. It is the price that is paid to have an impact on the world. Not my insight, but it's true.

When I was back home in June I went with my family to see Mission Impossible. Maybe it was just the view I had on life at the time. However, what I got from the movie was the journey is the most important part. This flavor of fate was whisked into the whole film. How at every turn the mission was impossible but it became possible.

It succeeded because of fate.

The movie really moved me and I brought that back with me to the city. I do not watch a whole lot of movies but as I am trying to level up my art I have found inspiration from other forms.

If I think back to two years ago when I started my journey. It started with journalling. I was talking about it with someone the other day. How when I first started I wrote like 3 sentences a day. Then it translated into posting an article a month. Now I write 3 pages in my journal, post a blog every Friday and do a newsletter as well. When you get this itch to keep going, it's all gas no breaks. I find it hard to stop even when people lob hate at you. Hate is just jealousy masked by fear.

Everyone is scared to start, and we all start from zero. So... why not start now?

When you start on that adventure towards your dreams you can only see the past. The destination still looks hazy, but the evidence you generate paves the way for your future. It helps defog the mountain and as you endure you can see an idea of your treasure.

The treasure is not the gold or silver you get at the end. It is the skills you learn about yourself. The treasure comes as a natural by product of the journey.

Even as I read my old journal entries, the problems that I had back in the day were never as great as I perceived them. I seemed to have persisted through it.

I try to translate that to the hard times I am going through right now. The pressure that I am under through work, or the girl troubles I am dealing with, or the hate I get for being who I am. It hurts in the moment no doubt, but those relics like Sting are only found through the journey.

An unexpected skill you pickup might be the exact thing that illuminates you to the danger ahead.

Piece 5- Going Against Grain

What do you do when you realize the past drastically informs your future? Would you try to decode it or leave it locked up?

A lot of the stuff that I pride myself in comes from a culture that is buried deep inside me. Only after a conversation with a professor, was I able to see that.

Japanese culture has this air of doing things to exhaustion. The way to achieve "success" is by climbing the corporate latter. You can see it, just by looking at the city. It is pure capitalism.

It is truly amazing, when you visit it is straight out of CyberPunk. Skyscrapers span the horizon. Neon illuminates the sky, and it is hard to tell day from night.

Mixed in with this futuristic city is this juxtaposition of ancient ruins. I remember going to visit a shrine in some random part of the city. As you walk through a forest and emerge from the clutter, a beautiful temple stands tall. Plastered on the temple is art, beauty, and gold. The history is preserved to this day.

Etched in that history is this idea of becoming perfect at your craft.

Perfectionism at its highest magnitude.

Becoming hyper focused on one domain so that you are ubiquitous. I like that idea, but there is a dark side to it. The hidden cost for me is being a failure. If you are not the best, you are the worst.

That is a heavy thing to carry, thinking everything you do might topple the empire. In some cases it breeds inaction. I have learned that repetition is more important than perfection. The only way you can become great is by starting. You have to start to be good, and for the longest time I hyper analyzed everything. Still do in some areas.

I was raised with a lot of pressure. The pressure to do things the traditional way. Go to school, get good grades, do not speak out, pursue a safe life. Which is all well in good for 99.999% of people. However, I want to be the .001%. I know a lot of people do not say that, that is probably seen as self centered. However, I want to be a deviation from the norm. I want to battle dragons.

The only way to encounter dragons is by taking part in the journey. Pursuing your passions. Chasing your dreams. This writing is a dream of mine, it allows me to break away from the mundane aspects of life. It helps me understand myself, I write about my perspective which I hope resonates with people.

Part of my perspective is asian culture, from an American point of view.

It is interesting that in asian culture it is almost seen as cowardly to fall out of the corporate latter. You are almost looked down upon when you deviate from the norm. Whereas in America, you are rewarded for it. Braveness is imbued into you.

Japan is so much older than us. Their culture has marinated 2300 years longer than ours. Knowing that time difference gives me a bit of relief. Relief from that constant "being a failure" pressure. Whether that is self inflicted or actually there. It gives you the chance to run towards your goals.

We are in the infancy. Yet, in many ways we have pioneered the way for what "work" is. We are innovators, creatives, and business personnel. We export authenticity. With all of that we still have so much to learn.

Maybe that is the essence of life, to take risks. Knowing that we only exist on this plane for a small sliver of time, is the exact reason why you should pursue your passions.

Only with hindsight can you see if it all worked out. Even as I write and post this. I do not know.

I hope that one day I will battle the dragons that I feared. Realizing they were never as scary that I dreamed them to be. Shooting arrows at the loose scales and finally piercing and bringing down the beast, just like Smaug.

Piece 6 - Turn Key

What happens when you only get texts when someone needs you? What does that mean for the "relationship"? Or is it just staring me in the face, and I am too stubborn to admit?

I watched an instagram reel the other day. It shined a light in my eyes.

I am dreamer at heart for sure. I dream of ideals and the more I think about it. That is what I find most infatuating. This chance of something great. The fixer upper.

I love to window shop online. I open up a new Google tab, and put in Zillow. I start to type a region "C-h-a-r-l-o-t-t-e", then I hit enter. I see the prices of some of the houses and realize I am priced out. So I take a deeper look at the condos.

I understand that condos are a bad form of investment, with all those HOA fees that change every year. Still I look, I love the idea of having an apartment that is yours. In a city that you enjoy.

I flip through the photos, check out how many bedrooms it has. I find myself stuck on the bathroom that needs updating. That pink ceramic tile is really dated, and hasn't been given any thought for a while.

I immediately come up with this idea in my head, of how I want it to be redesigned. I want the modern white granite countertops and the bright white tile. I catch myself wanting to change a lot of the things in the house, not just the bathroom. The bathroom is just what I hone in on, however I disregard some of the more obvious signs that needs updating.

I still try to find the potential.

Ideals are more potent than I realized.

I think we all do it in some way. We get hooked on this idea of "wanting the most" out of anything. We all want to make sure we are getting the best bang for our buck. I think they call it value maxing.

At the core of it I never want to feel like I got one pulled on me. I want to understand fully what I am buying, but the truth of the matter is you wont. You will never fully know if it is a good deal.

Same goes for the piece of real estate you buy. You will never know if there is something in the walls. You could have rats chewing at the wires or termites eating away at the foundation.

Which is why it is very important to make sure the foundation is the best it can be. You have to come into the market with your best foot forward. Make sure that your finances are in order, credit is good, know your values.

If you are blinded by this perfect ideal you have in your head, you might settle for something second rate. The fear of missing out, will only lead you to miss out on the greater returns of life.

Which is partly the reason you cannot be mad at the realtors who showed you what you want.

All of those houses that were the "one" or "got away". They teach you things in the process, about your eagerness to settle or resentment towards yourself.

I am not talking about houses...

Piece 7 - Tumi Interlude

The city has been corrupting me a little bit. I can tell it is wearing me down. This hustle culture is the thing I say I want and when I am engaged with it I can feel myself slipping.

It was long overdue. I needed a reset with my family. I am only going for 3 days, but it is much needed. I decided to book a flight last week. Gather my bearings and have a slower pace of life.

Whenever I go home I always find this profound sense of joy that I carry on with me. This heaviness that I have when I am in the city always seems to get lifted. It is a double edged sword. It corrupts you, but it also frees you from the confines of the race. I have always had this dream of escaping the rat race and that is what the city offers. It offers you a chance to battle, battle to be the best. It is you vs everybody else

You collect friends and like minded individuals along the way, but at the end of the day it is you vs the world. They can only offer you so much. It is up to you to go beyond what you thought possible.

I want to keep this short and punchy. A sort of transition piece denoting the transformation in my year. A mental reset. It always comes when I am not in the city. When I am surrounded by love. I always took it for granted and now when I am alone I see how powerful it is. Engulfed by my own sin, I just want to escape it.

The symbolism of me going through TSA at TPA has never been more clear. Just like the metal detector, I am leaving my problems at the gate.

Brb catching Boeings...

Piece 8 - The White Wine Monologue

I have been trying to understand what makes me, me. Being on my own for coming up on a year and half has taught me so much about who I am, who I want to be, and what tools I was given as a kid.

It puts a lot of the world into perspective.

A lot of the things that I took for granted, were the exact things that set me free from this automatic existence. I texted a childhood friend the other day, someone who I have maybe been neglecting. That might be a bit of an exaggeration. I just have been really bad at checking in on her.

One of the major milestones in my life, was getting a dog. This little shit has taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible. For starters, how I treat other people. I am trying to work on judgement. I seem to be quick to judge other people, but what I realized is that it's just a reflection of my inner monologue.

I have this internal tyrant that runs the day to day. He is brutal, like a dictator from ancient times. Pillaging anything in its path.

In some cases he bursts out, taking it out on people I care about. It ruins relationships, people that I care for. Those relationships are forever fractured and will never be the same. Even now as I reminisce sipping the Chenin blanc, it hurts me. It hurts that I couldn't control those outbursts.

It does beg the question, where did all that come from? In my eyes it came from a remnant civilization that was covered up by sands of time. A kid in me that might've done things for attention. Maybe I still do that to this day. I am still sifting through those ruins.

Digging into all of this makes me wonder about what I want out of life. Who I want to be. I find that I just want to be real. I work at a bar on the weekends and deal with a lot of people. It gives me incredible perspective. Perspective that lets me compare myself against the real vs the fake.

In an age where attention is the currency, being real has the highest exchange rate. People see it. You live your life and people gravitate towards you. They inherently understand that being real in this new age is dangerous. It comes with a cost that most people aren't willing to pay.

You have to make that choice at some point. You see it everyday, people struggling to be themselves. I feel for them. I was there, probably in some aspects still am. Yet, no one can tell you how to be you. Only you can do that. That is what I try to do with my writing. Cheer people on. I want to cheer for myself. So be your biggest fan!

Which is why I am eternally grateful my parents gave me self esteem.

They gave me the keys before I could drive. They built me up and although I never appreciated it while I was around them. I see clearly, only with distance all the things that they did for me. They honestly taught me how to be me. They showed me what hard work is, love, and most importantly how to weather the storm on bad days.

It is naive to think that everyday is going to be sunshine and rainbows. There will be days that you do not feel like getting out of bed. You will feel like shit. Those are the days you have to get up.

It does not matter what time you get up, as long as you do. Every day is a battle, shoutout to being a gladiator.

Piece 9 - Living Nightmare

What does it feel like when all the days start to blend together? Would that eat away at you or give you positive reinforcement?

It started like any other day, at 5:30 am. I reach over to my nightstand and grab my water bottle. It has a few stickers on it, one of them says "Davis is my Copilot". We all have those moments when we wake up from sleep and need the desperate hit of water.

I stuck my dry lips(you know the kind, that has calcified spit on your mouth) to the water bottle and began to drink. It seems I have woken up like this before, I could've sworn that the water bottle was full when I went to bed?

Maybe that just means I have not been sleeping well.

I take the sip of water and tell myself that I am going to get up. I have been telling myself that for a while, and it still never seems to happen. Lies, lies, and more lies.

My alarm is scheduled to go off at 7:00, so I tell myself that it is ok to just go back to bed. So I do.

The next thing I know it is 8 and I pop right out of bed, starting the day off mad because I slept through my alarm. I say "Let's Go!", to my dog Butters and we go outside to the bathroom. That is how we get our day started. Late...

I feel like I have been living this day on repeat for a while. Wake up late, work, get off, take my dog out to the park, then go to bed. Just been really tired of it. Maybe that is just my attitude towards it. Trying to shifting the perspective might help me gain some valuable insight.

There is another reason why I have been feeling that way. I just haven't been dealing with whatever emotions arise. Just "kicking the can down the road", as the phrase is commonly said. Going out more than I should, which leads to the rationalization of the broken promises to myself. "Oh it is ok this time, I will fix it tomorrow." Procrastination at its finest.

All of that burdens me with shittier sleep, which leads to morning grogginess.

Some days when I lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling(undoubtedly lost in my head). I venture to the rooftop of my building, a place that brought me comfort when I first moved here. It is one of best views of the city, the road creates this natural leading line that brings your attention to the skyline.

That comfort has all but gone lately, thinking to myself "I could own a piece of the city". I don't think I want that anymore. Goals can change, but what does that make me? A phony? A fraud?

It makes me human.

We are all flawed, and for the longest time I felt like I had to be perfect. Still do. The moments where I do not get the words right haunt me the most.

When I say the real things like, "That doesn't look good on you." or "You can just do it, why hire someone blow your gutters." They call you "annoying" or "abrasive". They are right, this time.

I realized a lot of this was boiling under the surface earlier this year. I didn't deal with it then and I am still dealing with it now.

I called someone out in this writing, putting someone down that I cared about(actually multiple people). In what world would that make any logical sense? It doesn't. I just meant I was unhappy with myself, and I still am.

I am not excusing the shitty behavior, because what I did was wrong. I should've had more emotional control, I should've eaten the shit, and I should've done a lot more things.

However, there is always a chance at fixing it. A chance to right your wrongs. It won't happen the next day, or a week or maybe even a year. It will happen if you keep working at it. Working on yourself, realizing the hypocrisy that we all carry with us like a suitcase.

A nightmare is just a fear that you will not live to see your dreams. That is what I am running on, fear.

Piece 10 - Acomodador

The imposter syndrome that I feel when I am working. I do feel like I am at a point in my life where I am at a crossroads. Stagnation seems to be setting in. What does that make me?

I have this sense that I am falling behind in my own life. I wake up everyday and just feel like I am stuck. It almost feels like I am wasting my potential. It is only intensified with social media.

I fully understand that there is this air of fakeness that is present in social media. Everyone puts on this show of a life they have. You never truly see the raw honesty that exists in real life. You even take my writing as an example. I parse things out, as way to keep myself sheltered.

A lot of feeling comes from the judgement and comparison that I do to other people. Comparing them to the life I want. Superimposing the ideal that I have.

Maybe I don't want it. Maybe I just think I do.

There are some days where I accomplish so much, but still feel behind the 8 ball. Telling myself, "Oh you could've done more here" or "I didn't do much today". Journalling helps a lot with that, because I see what I did on any given day. Ironically, I rarely refer back to those days.

I seem to go in phases with this type of thing. I sprint really hard feeling like I am on top of the world. Then fall into a valley, where I get really down on myself.

The poacher of happiness is comparison, and it hunts you to extinction.

There is two sides to it. You move the goal post and it brings in self doubt. If you have big dreams to aim at. You have to compare yourself to people that are where you want to be. They give you a blueprint to build within yourself. There is a caveat with it, that not everything they have you want. You must pick and choose the things you admire about them. If you don't, it destroys you.

It makes you feel like all the things you do throughout the day aren't enough. You didn't do enough reading, or writing, or work, or thinking.

All of this is possibly indicative of something broader in my life. A failure to see progress on these grander "goals". Which is funny because the micro wins are what matter.

Consciously I understand that, yet I find ways to scrutinize myself. Picking apart the small things. Tearing down the accomplishments that I have achieved. There seems to be a link between the perfectionism inside me and the grace I give to myself.

That is the thing that most racks me, knowing if I will ever reach my full potential. I guess that is the point right. You can never know. However, a surefire way to never accomplish your dreams is by not doing anything. So maybe I ought to take a pride in just doing something?

You have to believe it will happen or it never will. I understand that clearly, but still self doubt creeps in. I get in my head and then end up lost in it. Knowing that everything you want in life is all on you. That is a very daunting feeling. It is over cast, like a rainy day.

You just have to realize that while everything may seem gravy on the outside, it isn't. Everyone hides the bad that comes with the good. All the good is portrayed on social media, and none of the bad. Everything comes with a trade off. Being ostracized from the herd, long nights, worrying that it won't work, all of that is part of process.

You have to be relentlessly pursuing better. Delusional self belief that you will figure it out. If you attempt something even with doubt, that means you have courage. Maybe that is what I am searching for the most.

Courage to believe. Belief that on the other side of all this madness are my dreams realized.

Piece 11 - Battleships

What does it feel like to miss the carrier 5 straight times in a row? Would you jump overboard? Or keep missing?

It starts like any other game. You walk over to the shelf, sift through all the options you have "Blokus", "Sorry!", "Candyland". Then you finally settle on Battleships.

You take it off the shelf and bring it over to the dinner table. You can smell that mustiness emanating from the box.

The lid gets removed, and you each take your consoles. While everything is getting setup, conversation gets sparked up.

Those little moments are where I discover the most about myself. Chit chatting about what has been going on in my love life, or what I have been doing at work. Realizing I am attracted to the girls who don't like me.

I seem to enjoy the chase.

I think we all do in some aspect. This feeling that we are running after something, trying to catch it. Thinking to ourselves that "If I do this thing, then I will achieve happiness". It's a falsehood.

In a way a lot like battleship.

If you have ever played, you know that you get a fleet of 5 ships. You spread them across the board. Trying to secretly hide, so your opponent doesn't guess the square. Just like when we are pursuing something new.

Trying to hide the emotions we feel, so they don't think we are overly into them. It might scare them away. Anyway.

A player then goes first and guess where you hid your ships, shouting out something like "B5".

They either say hit or miss, then the game goes on.

The crazy ones, like myself. Tend to guess consecutively. "B5, B4, B3, B2, B1". All misses. A lot like the way I approach dating. Going after the ones who show no interest. The near miss. Thinking that "Oh they like me, they just don't know it.". So naive.

While I was playing a game with my aunt, I realized this. That those people aren't the ones that I want to be with. The ones that sort of show interest, making you discern what is a "hit" and what is "miss".

She helped me reveal a little bit of my worth.

The thing is that I do have game, maybe that is a little self centered to say. It is true, I have been told I do.

Game really is just the ability to be liked. For the longest time I can remember, people have always liked me. That is why it hurts so much when people don't. The people that don't like me get envious a little, you can see it. In the words they speak, and the actions they take.

The little name calling of "Travis", or thinking they can walk all over you.

I get it, I would hate on me to. I am a hateable guy. I am pursuing dreams you were too scared to take. Maybe not explicitly, writing is not for everyone, or posting on line. However, whenever you pursue your dreams people get jealous.

They are really mad at themselves, because they never took action, and now it is too late. Sucks to be you.

Some aspects of life are like battleship, the constant missing out of on things. Not being invited to go out when you deep down want to go, even though you have a deadline to hit. So you stay in, and work on your dreams.

The thing is we are all apart of games, but I would rather play my own. Than be party to someone else's.

Piece 12 - Drive Train

A lot has been happening in life. It seems to never let up. I was playing basketball after being out for two weeks. One of my goals has been to get back into working out. I have been trading working out for wine.

I need to be honest with myself, like with most things in my life. It has been corrupting me. I have been letting it consume who I am. My family has been going through some shit, and it keeps me awake at night. Which is part of the reason my sleep has been bad.

Every time I think I am out of the weeds, I just realize I am down in them. I want to persevere the memories that I have of my family. I always viewed my dad as this immortal being. I tend to think all kids do.

I never understood when I was younger that he was going to die way before me. We are all just human at the end of the day. It was naive to think that was any different for my parents.

I am forever grateful for my dad. He showed me how I want to parent. Be strong and have work ethic. He would always come home, still does and sits in the chair. I never understood it. Now I do, at the end of the day I am tired. I get why my parents just wanted to relax and watch a Netflix show.

Work is unrelenting.

A spicy girl once told me that there will always be something to work on. So some days you just have to shut it off. I struggle with that. Flipping that off switch. My hobby is work and there are days I wonder if I will ever be able to shut it off.

Even on the days when I am not "working", I am working. I will always find something to tinker with. I do it to get out of my head, that is why I always have something to work on.

That is the thing that makes all this shit work. It provides power to this car. It is who I am. I enjoy the work. I think it is a bit naive to think it will always be good. There are going to be broken parts, things are going to need fixing, and sometimes things cannot be fixed. Very symbolic of a car.

That is a lesson I am trying to overcome at the moment. Sometimes problems cannot be solved. I am type A, apparently. Still not really sure what that means. From what I gather, that means I am always trying to plan or solve.

I try to remember the lessons that my parents taught me. Especially my dad. He seemed to always have an answer. I wonder what he would say to all of this. The stress that I am under at work, the ghost that shadows me everyday, or trying to solve the family problems. Which I know I can't do. Yet, insanely I still try. In a way it is killing me.

It haunts me. And I hide from that ghost with wine. I can tell that my mind is more creative when I am clear headed. I noticed it when I was back home in June, July, and now as I write. I notice it now.

Work seems to be the constant that lets me bust those ghosts. It sucks them up into a vacuum and they get repurposed. It gets turned into fuel that powers the whole thing. However, sometimes it just breaks down.

Piece 13 - Clay Pigeons

I am putting my mind to the things that really matter. My mind has been fumbled for the past 2 months. It has been effecting my sleep and it has been throwing off my whole routine.

Pull! The goals that I am looking at through my scope are within range. There is only about 3 months left to accomplish them until the year is over. There is so much that can be accomplished in just a week. In the last two months I found it hard to win the week. Or a better way to put it is, I found it hard to give myself permission to win it.

It is still in its youth, but I am cutting it all. Setting a way for me to win the day. I have noticed in my moments of clarity that winning the day is where it all starts. Having a clear mind to make decisions already puts you ahead of the curve.

I live my life trying to cut out my vices. Everyone has them. For some it is wine, others it is working out. Mine is a combination of wine and work. I would lie and say the wine would make me more creative. On a more honest pull of the thread, it made me worse. It lowered the barrier to entry for my thoughts.

Which from one perspective could be good, but the other. The one that I am hyper critical on, it made me worse. I would stay up late and wake up feeling groggy. I lost sight of my goals and who I was. I always judged people for the things they did on their weekends. Comparing myself to them, telling myself "I am not like them". I am actually worse than them.

I am trying to give myself the grace to release the grasp I hold over myself. I have been doing a decent job at it. Like I said it is in the infancy, but it has given me clarity on my goals. Goals that I threw to the wayside. Very similar to my goal of moving out of my hometown.

It all started with that. All the things that are happening in my life now. All the good, came from that decision. That goal was achieved in a month. From November to December I achieved what seemed impossible. My reality was shattered.

Which is why the goals that I want to accomplish by the end of the year I know are doable. I have triple the amount of time. I will obtain a Dynatrace Associate Certification, release this audiobook, revamp my website to show off my observability skills, and be in the gym 4 days a week.

The thing is I see the path. The way to those goals, is not by forcing more and more in the day. I was stuck in todo list jail. Being mad at myself when I did not finish or check everything off. Would mentally torture myself and it bleed on other people. I have broken some really ornate things this year. Some great relationships, friendships, and even myself.

Coming to grips with that has probably been the biggest struggle. Knowing when to let go. That is what this whole thing is about. Redemption. We author the story of our lives. One page at time.

So here is to shooting at the stars and the targets that are "pulled" into the air.