Smelling the Roses

Another day of writing 1000 words. Man is it tough to have something interesting to write about every day. But in that sentence could lie a greater point. That consistency and disciple are not sexy.

With this whole productivity push on social media. Trying to healthmax and make everything optimized. People show it off like they are super disciplined and some how make it look sexy. It seems in reality, that it isn’t. There are for sure days that I don’t want to do it. That I don’t want to go to the gym or write my words. Yet, when I do those things I feel accomplished and I feel like my day is better.

There is this part of me that wants to achieve mastery, and you can’t have it without boring days. The days that you feel unmotivated are the days you need to do the thing.

It might be one of those days where I aimlessly hoping of some inspiration to strike me. Then once I get caught on the thread, that is when I pull until its a split end.

Work has been alright this week. Felt pretty good about the day. I need to get some more data to add to the deck. I need to get things on open alerts or how many synthetics we have setup in the environment. Common things in the environment that I see as wrong. It has been such a weird test of my capabilities recently. Being the subject matter expert for this client. They are leaning on me heavy which is really great, but it makes me feel like I don’t deserve it. Obviously, it is not true because if I didn’t deserve it. I wouldn’t have it.

I guess all my skills are coming to fruition. All the deck building, presenting to clients, while also balancing the technical work. What I really need to do is stop being scarred to delegate. My teammates are great. I have have this ability around me to see the good in people, even when I can’t see it in myself.

It is also interesting that I am balancing the work on a couple of different projects. I am doing this in my 5-9 as well, like this writing. It is nice to be important. As much as I complain it really is a blessing to have all this coming my way at 25. Sometimes I forget that. I am doing so much, and it really is something I have been loving. I would love to see what it would be like becoming a client. However, Harvey Specter taught me that it is just better to have multiple clients.

Maybe all this stuff is coming together for one day I can run my own firm. It restored some faith in me when my teammates told me that I am good at my job.

Maybe that line about how “fame doesn’t change you, it just changes everyone else around you.” Sort of applies to the concept of imposter syndrome or fraudulence. Why do I feel like I am “robbing” the cradle. That I am pulling one over on people, maybe because I feel like I am pulling one over on myself.

I feel like I don’t deserve it because I don’t acknowledge the fact that I am putting in the work. Which is a lie, I do work. Just in different ways.

It is true, I do have some specialized knowledge that I do not give myself credit for. There are also wins in my own life that I still seem not to acknowledge. Like getting the new job or the fact that I am consistently writing and posting online. As well as reading. I feel like that has a greater impact on my life that isn’t measurable.

But what do I know. I am some naive kid. There I go again downplaying my “success” I hate using that word. But on some level it is true. I do have some of that. I landed a client which is huge and I still haven’t reflected on that. that was really huge for me. I think that was step in the right direction. I want a piece.

At the end of the day I want equity. I want to own a piece of something. That is where the really money is. And is it because I want the money or is because I want to push myself? Pushing myself feels really good. Working out, writing, new job, getting out of the comfort zone. This ties into being hard on myself, because I just know how good I feel when I push myself. It is hard to communicate to people because until you have sipped a drop of your potential you will always believe you can’t do it.

That is the core of it. When you sip a drop of your potential, you realize that you can achieve anything. It just takes time, and that is a problem for most people. I am most people (sometimes). It is so easy to succumb to instant gratification, but good things are delayed.

PS: I like this thing where I try to sum up what I wrote over 1000 words. I need to take that and post it as a note or a tweet.