Whatever Is Waiting

I have a fear of death.

I said it out loud for the first time at a dog park, to a woman I had accidentally called old a few days before. She works in a hospital, so she sees it every day. She asked me what I was doing about it. I told her the truth.

“Religion. I have been trying to explain away death with the promise of something after it all.”

She didn’t say much back. She didn’t have to.

I went to church recently, for the first time in a long while. I sat there staring at a screen that costs more than a house, and the whole thing felt fraudulent. I couldn’t figure out why at first. Then they started talking about stats. How the earlier you introduce your child to the word, the more likely they are to adopt religion.

“Train them early.”

Those were the words the pastor used. And look, I am not going to sit here and pretend I have it all figured out. But even I know that just seems a little off. Or at least it does to me. It just seems similar to training a dog. At least with the dog it is socially acceptable.

But here is what I couldn’t shake on the drive home. Why was I so bothered by it? Maybe because I was sitting in that room for the exact same reason those kids would be brought there. I needed something to hold onto. Some promise that the thing I am most afraid of isn’t the end of everything.

That is what religion is selling, at least in part. And I was in the market.

I don’t know if that is where the fear started. But I think about it more than I probably should for someone my age.

Here is the thing about fear though. It is a useful lie, until it isn’t.

I think a lot of people use religion to stave off anxiety. If something is waiting on the other side, then why worry about the here and now? But the logic works the other way too. Take the chances, because death is coming for you whether you like it or not.

And it isn’t just religion doing this work. Look at hustle culture. “Work now, reap later.” Same mechanism, different costume. You see people online with the nice cars and the nice houses, and they are always running toward something. But they are also running from something. I feel it myself. On the hamster wheel, moving fast enough that I don’t have to sit with whatever is underneath.

Social media is another one. We have built an entire category of app around belonging. Around the need to be in the in-group, to know what is going on, to feel like you are part of something. I see the irony, writing this to be posted online. I still tell myself I am different. I am not like “them.”

What a judgmental lie.

We are all just managing the same fear in different outfits. Religion, hustle culture, social media, a drink at the bar on a Friday night. None of it is better or worse than the other. They each have their time and place. What they have in common is that they give you somewhere to put the anxiety so you don’t have to look at it directly.

“God is just happy you are here.”

I don’t know if that is true. I am not sure I fully believe it. But every time I am really down, it brings me back a little. Maybe that is enough. Maybe that is the whole point . Not certainty, but just enough to keep moving.

I am not going to solve the fear of death in one sitting. I know that. I am not even sure I want to solve it. Because lately I have started to wonder if the fear isn’t the problem. Maybe the problem is what I do with it.

I can use it to stay frozen. Waiting for more information before I make a move, trying to have all the answers before I take the chance. That is what I have been doing. Telling myself “once I make six figures, then I will be happy.” Attaching the permission to live to some future checkpoint that keeps moving.

Or I can let it push me forward. Take the chance because the clock is running either way.

I am not there yet. But I am writing again, which is something. And I sat down this morning not because I had anything figured out, but because the habit is the thing I am trying to build right now. Just sitting down and doing it.

Maybe that is all any of this is. Not figuring out what is on the other side. Just showing up on this side, while you still can.