Resist the urge

Never confuse the fact of writing with revisions. They are different things. Recently, I have not been writing because I have been telling myself that it needs to be perfect. The problem with perfectionism is that it makes you think it is never great enough. Like an unfinished article, just when it is right then everything will come together.

Yet, it is not real. Life is full of flaws. Even diamonds, the gems of beauty have microscopic fractures.

Even though I have not been writing, I still journal. Which in my eyes is considered writing. But the act of sitting at my laptop and typing these words has been an after thought in my weeks.

I am hard on myself, for reasons I am still trying to dig for. This need to be better every day is a poisonous cycle. It makes you think that what you do in is never enough. Only after you check everything off your entire ODO list is when you can rest.

However, once you sit down on the couch and throw on an episode of Criminal Minds. There is always this person that make you feel guilty. The person talking in the back of your head that someone is getting one over on you or they are getting better than you. Or what about that thing you forgot to finish from last week?

The problem with that is. There is always someone smarter than you, someone always richer than you, and someone who is working harder. You can’t have it all, and I think that has been my problem. Thinking that I can have it all, just by sheer work. What a fallacy.

I want to be great, but with social media it tricks you into thinking you can have it all right now. All those influencers who are driving nice cars, living in nice houses, selling some info product that I am not sure even provides any value. Honestly, if you had the advantage why would you be selling it? The answer is you wouldn’t, you would protect that secret for as long as you could. Yet, my naive need to be validated as successful creeps in and tells me I am not doing enough.

Here is the problem, I want to be normal so bad that I neglect the other things in my life.

Maybe normal isn’t the right word here because nobody is normal. Life is unique. We all have our strengthens and weaknesses. Mine, what I didn’t learn until I found it on my own. Is that I am always curious. I love that about myself, but sometimes it is to my own detriment. I push myself to the extremes, just to see what I am capable of.

This writing is an example of that. Over the past couple weeks, going on a month now. I have just been throwing it to the wayside. Today is the first time in a while where I actually sat down to write. Giving myself a block in the day to just focus on this has been something new. Actually suggested by my grandpa. Maybe that has been the key all along.

The world throws every opportunity at you to be average. It is giving you every chance to submit to the opinions of others and be like them. I would rather be the one who got laughed at, than bent a knee to the people. At least then I know in my soul that I tried. I have always been bad at that. Caring what people think too much, letting it drive what I do. Telling myself things like “oh its because you don’t have a college degree” or “you just aren’t smart enough”. The self criticisms stack, and they impact your life so much.

I really don’t know where I am going with this idea. However, the act of writing and conveying my thoughts is cathartic. It got me to where I am today. It is so easy to let the world win. I don’t know if I am ready for that. I want to see what I have left.

Impulse control is the number one determinate in success, and recently I have not been utilizing it well.